i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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