New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
