Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
