I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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