Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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