Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
