i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
