Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
