I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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