I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
