Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
