I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
