hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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