Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
