When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
