The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
