R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
