I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
