You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
