I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
