it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
