I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my vagina is haunted
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
