I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
