So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
