I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
