i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
