I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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