It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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