I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
