you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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