did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
