so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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