I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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