he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
