just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
