the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
