Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
