The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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