And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
