He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
