How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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