I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
