He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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