I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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