Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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