Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
