Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
