i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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