I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
