My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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