mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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